1

                It wasn’t love at first sight. If it was I think it might have been less special. No, I didn’t know what I was back then. Back then I just thought I wanted a friend, and a friend I was going to have. We were too busy gossiping about who was dating who and trying to get straight B’s that semester to even consider such a thing. It was 2005 and we were what our parents made us. I was never the rebel type. Not until I met her, that is. Scarlet Lane.

                Scarlet wasn’t like me. She was brave, outspoken, and knew who she was. I was fifteen and she was sixteen. That’s when we met. It was our Media class that brought us together.

“Hi, I’m Scarlet.”

I looked up at her, her red hair flowing down the front of her chest.  “I’m Tegan.” She sat next to me. Why did I feel this way? I blushed and began to draw in my book.

“What are you doing?” She asked, though curiosity was not present in her voice.

“Nothing, just some random things.”

“Ha, nice. I used to draw when I was little. I don’t have the ability now.”

The bell rang and she got up.

“I’ll see you later, Doodle.”

She called me her doodle. That would be my nick name for the rest of our lives. I barely knew this girl. I wanted to know her better. I made it a mission to run into her at lunch.

“Oh hey, Doodle.  Mars, this is Tegan.”

“Why did you call her dude-el?”

“I said Doodle, you twat. And that’s my name for her. If I ever catch you calling her it, I’ll kill you.”

“That sounds like a threat.”

“It does, doesn’t it?”

“Bitch.”

They laughed as I stood there awkwardly. I didn’t even notice my knees shaking. Why was I so afraid? She was just a girl. I met so many girls in my life; boring, funny, cool, ugly, and the kind I was jealous of. She was different though. I could not figure out why. 

Am I a lesbian?

“So Tegan, how do you know Scarlet?”

Know? I just met her two class periods ago. I was going to look like a stalker.

“I met Doodle here this morning in Media class and told her to come hang with us. I figured she would be tired of hanging out with most of the losers this town has to offer and would want to hang out with us. My assumption was correct.”

She smiled at me as if she knew what she had just done; saved me.

“A wise decision,” she raised her juice box up to me. “Welcome to hell, baby.”

More of her friends arrived and they were happy to meet me. There was Jared, Ryan, and Travis. They each had a personality of their own. After today this would become my family. Freshmen year would have been different if I didn’t have Scarlet.

                We began dating that summer. There was no more summertime sadness for me. I wanted to spend every day with her but she said no. She said, “That’s not healthy. I need space for my friends as well.” It upset me at first but then I realized she was right. Distance can ruin a relationship when it has a physical force behind it, but it’s different when it’s purely abstract. She kept her distance because she wanted to continue to operate the way she had before me. I kept my distance because she said so.

I fell for her faster than she did. Was it the year difference between us that made this the case or was I just stupid? When people don’t love the same way we do we begin to think they don’t love us at all. I used to be scared this was the reality of our relationship. It beat me up so bad that one night under the stars she confronted me on how I was acting. After explaining it to her she kissed me on the forehead.

“I love you. That will never change.” 

We began to kiss.

“I love you, too.” I said trying to catch my breath.

“What do you want to do tomorrow?”

How she was able to talk and kiss me at the same time I still haven't figured out today.

“Tomorrow?”

She moved her head away from mine. "It's my birthday in two minutes."

I knew this. She didn't have to remind me. "I know. Did you think I had forgotten?"

She nodded. She knew I knew. She just liked hearing herself talk about it. She came from a broken home, birthdays meant nothing over there. Broken homes meant broken memories. Hell, memories that never existed and if they did, well, you didn't want to remember them. We could relate to that. We knew the importance of a birthday. Life was tough for us both growing up and we had the scars to prove it. Thinking about it though, I don't know how war could make a girl so gentle on the inside. Sure she played the hardcore bitch often but behind the walls she put up there was a porcelain heart that would break if it was shook one more time. I would never shake it. I wouldn't dream of it.

"What are we going to do for it?"

She lied back next to me. We were both looking at the stars now. It was almost midnight. "Anything you want to do." I smiled. She held my hand. "Can we sleep here?" She said calmly.

"Your parents would blow up."

"It doesn't matter. It's my birthday. Besides, I could just tell them I’m a lesbian to take their minds off of my night absence."

"Yeah, but I don't want you to get in trouble, and don’t say that. You can’t tell them that."

"Whocares. It doesn't matter to me."

"I don't want them to hurt you."

Those words stopped her. She didn't like thinking about it but I had to say it. It was the only way to make her not do anything reckless. A month ago her dad almost broke her jaw. I almost killed him the next day. I would have killed him. I would have if not for her. She protected him to protect herself. Still so young, she'd be sent away if her parents were arrested. You might say she stopped me to stay with me. It's tragic, but she dealt with it. She'd poke fun the next couple days every time I kissed her saying I was kissing the girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her. She didn't know how much that bothered me. She didn't know. I wanted to help her find something better. I still do. I want to help her find something better if there is something better.

"Fine."

She said quietly. I raised her hand to my lips and kissed her hand. "Happy Birthday." She turned to look at me. Her eyes shined with the moon in them. "Thank you." She motioned with her lips, without really saying it. Here we were, two young kids in love. You can call it what you want, we don't care. How could someone really tell us any differently? When she says she loves me, I believe her. She believes me.

She kissed me again. Her face hit my face hard this time. It hurt but I didn't mind. I never mind when she bashed my face in while trying to kiss me all exited. She couldn't do any wrong.

“I love you.” Me.

“Shut the fuck up.” Scarlet.

"Or what?" Me.

I kissed her. We made love under the stars, under a blanket, wrapped like shoelaces that would never come undone. Never. We didn't care what the world thought about this. We were young and stupid, but we wouldn't have it any other way.

                That summer almost ended the way I had hoped. By the end of summer we had agreed to tell our parents. Surprisingly my parents weren’t shaken up too much about it. They said they love me no matter what choices I make. Choices? I’ll take it. My little brother, one year younger than me, said he’d never treat me any differently.

Scarlet wasn’t so lucky. Her parents kicked her out. Her dad threw a plate at the wall and tossed all her stuff out. My parents agreed to let her crash here until she could get herself situated. She cried that entire night. I wish I could say I had the right words to heal her wounds her parents had just given her. I didn’t. I wasn’t old enough to begin to know what to say.

What I do know is her parents abandoned her. It makes me think how amazing it must be to be straight. To know your parents will always love you for the person you are, and only stop loving you if you make a bad decision. That isn’t the case with us. This is what happens to thousands of gay teens all around the world. At worst, they’re killed.

A parent should never abandon their child.

If you’re that parent, fuck you.

Fuck you and your parents for raising you.

Fuck your pastor that says we’re demons.

Fuck your cherry picking you do with your bible that makes you hate us.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.

And fuck you for hurting the girl I love.

You’re shitty parents and you should have never had given birth.

You don’t deserve her.

She cried all night. I just held her. I held her until her tears closed her eyes. Then I cried.

                Things were only got better from that night. In 2013 my parents agreed to help us move out. We were both working and going to school but California isn’t cheap. My parents are wealthy so this was not a problem for them. One condition was my brother had to move in with us but we love Logan so it wasn’t an issue. We were happy. What more could we ask for?

“The Supreme Court has just ruled Prop 8 unconstitutional.” The lady on the television said.

“You hear that? You Lesbies are going to get married!” Logan yelled.  Scarlet and I walked into the room and sat on the couch next to each other. “Which one of you gets the best man? Can I be it? I can be both if you both want to have a best man.”

“Shut up!” We both said. This is what we wanted. I know marriage isn’t everything, and LGBT has a lot more ahead of it to worry about (For starters recognizing BT in the acronym), but this is something, and it means a lot. I began to cry. She put her arm around me.

“What are you crying for?”

I wiped my eyes. “I don’t even have a dress yet.”

We laughed more that day than I could remember. It was one for the books. We invited everyone over; Mars, Jared, Ryan, Travis, and even my parents. We celebrated. I admit I got a little drunk. My mom had the camera out and filmed the whole thing. I should have guessed.

“Hey, Doodle!”

I turned around to see all my friends and family standing behind me. Then I looked down.

“Scar, no!” My jaw quivered as the words came out of my mouth. She was on one knee with a little box in her hands.

“Tegan Flowers, my doodle, Queen of my bruised heart,” I could sense fear, but I didn’t know what she had to be afraid of.

“From the moment I met you, I honestly didn’t think you were the one. What you were was a cute chick doodling in your notebook.”

She turned to the others. “Hints the name, Doodle.”

“We already know!” Someone yelled. I think it was Mars. It was hard to pay attention to anything other than her green eyes.

“Upon getting to know you I realized that if I didn’t catch you, I would be making a terrible decision. I probably wouldn’t be alone forever, but I sure as hell would have lived a life I can’t even imagine kneeling here before you.  You are everything to me. You are the reason my body remembers to breathe, and my heart to beat. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

She opened the little blue box.

“Tegan Doodle Flowers, will you marry me?”

“Yes. I’d love to be your wife. ”

We kissed in front of our friends and family.

“I now pronounce you –“

“SHUT UP, LOGAN!” Everyone said in unison.

                When everyone one had gone home my mom stuck around to help clean up. Scarlet and Logan were watching TV while we were in the kitchen.

“I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks, mom.”

I began to wash some dishes.

“I’ve waited a long time for this. I mean, I imagined a man taking your hand but this is just the same.”

“Mom, don’t cry.”

“I just, I’m just so happy. You two are perfect for each other. She’s your soul mate.”

I turned the water off. I could feel anger rising in me.

“No she’s not.”

“What do you mean? You two have been inseparable since you were young.”

She closed a trash bag.

“I have no soul mate. “

I pointed towards the living room.

“What I have is a very beautiful girl in front of me who grew up in a completely different world and had no connection to me before I met her. We aren't a puzzle or two pieces of legos. We're two battle damaged and spectacular people that ran into each other one day while picking seats in a classroom. It didn't happen for a reason, it just happened.”

I touched her hand so she didn’t get upset further.

“That's the best part about it, mom. We are completely different bodies of water that clashed one day, by chance, and now we’re trying to stay together, not because it's meant to be, but because we want to be.”

My mom hugged me like I was the baby she first saw me as.

“That's not my soul mate, mom, that's love. What we all want, what I found, and what we’re keeping alive every day. Just waves trying to become an ocean.”

Logan appeared at the doorway.

“It’s poetry, and you guys are making me jealous.”

Tegan stood behind him with a smile on her face. We were an ocean.

                I didn’t mean to be so negative with my mother, but in truth I want to destroy the idea of a soul mate. I want to completely obliterate it. Were it possible to forget the concept altogether I'd make that happen. I don't, however, have that move in my arsenal. I think the notion of a soul-mate sounds pretty, yet reminds me a great deal of arranged marriages. Those, too, can be quite pretty.

 I want people to understand that they met this certain person at a certain time in their life simply because it happened. More than that, I want them to take full responsibility for their relationship. The only thing that bounds them together is the work they put into it. Relationships are ugly, love is pain, but at their best and always flawed moments, they are a grand show of beauty. This all requires work and dedication. There are no pieces that since birth were meant to go together after they found each other. No, there's just you and her, you and him, and what you both decide to do with it. Love deeply and die with a fucking smile on your face. That's the least you can do.

                Anyways, soon after we were able to go to the courts and get our marriage certificate and be married. What we always wanted. My parents, brother, Mars, Jared, Ryan, and Travis were there to see it go down. Our family little fucked up family. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

                Outside a bunch of Christians picketed the marriages. It wasn’t a surprise. It was a long time coming, and they were losing. They knew it. I just wish they would wake up already. Or was I wrong?

“I love you.”

                The next day Scarlet went to work and I stayed home to plan our wedding. Logan and Mars helped me with everything.

“I’m seriously the best fucking Maid of honor ever.”

“Whocares. I’m the best man to a woman! Take that, Mars!”

“Shut up, both of you!”

                We worked on it all day. Scarlet was supposed to be home at 8 but didn’t show. I tried calling her phone but she did not answer. It went straight to voicemail. As ten rolls by Logan and Mars begin to call as well, worried something might be wrong. This isn’t like Scarlet. I call my parents to let them know. My dad assures me that I’m just being too paranoid and that her phone probably died. I take his advice and try to relax and watch TV with Logan and Mars.

“What kind of cake do you think Scarlet would want?” Mars asks.

“What makes you think she gets to decide?” I wink at her.

                It’s 12am and there is still no word. August 9^th, 2013.

“Hello?”

At 12:41 I get a call from a number I do not have saved in my phone.

“Is this Tegan?”

“Yes. Who’s this?”

“It’s me, Scarlet’s mother.”

What did she want at this time of night? I can feel my hands begin to shake. What did she want at this time of night?”

“My baby,”

She begins to sob on the other line. What is going on?

“She’s dead, Tegan. She’s gone.”

Gone?

The phone drops from my hand. I don’t have it in me to hold onto the phone and reply. I don’t have it in me to attack her for calling Scarlet “her” baby. While those words should have brought anger out of me, they did not this time. All I could think of is what she said.

“She’s gone.” I hear it echo in my memory already.

All I could think of before hitting the floor is that I love her and that should have protected her. My Scar is gone. She’s gone. I love her. I was married.